flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we meet again It's been awhile hasn't it? A lot has happened between now and the last time I updated. I'm a senior now and I still talk to Ryan but now I'm seeing someone, Damian. I'll admit, I have lingering feelings for Ryan, but honestly, he's 27. I'm 21. He wants to be in California in less than a year as a traveling x-ray technician and I... don't know what's going to happen after graduation. What do we have in common besides being Filipino, loving the radio, and writing? They might be substantial traits for us, but we're at different stages of our lives: he knows what he wants to do with his and I have no fucking clue. But still... he make me laugh, he's charming, he's STILL talking to me after so long (at least once a week), and his words are just so eloquent. I've only known one other filipino guy who's a better writer in my eyes, but i haven't met him yet.... and no he's not famous (yet). And he freestyles and raps and knows how to make beats and shit... and that's amazing to me. I never knew his work until FIND last year so I'm not really a groupie. I just wish I can put together rhymes just as quick as he can.. he even tells me that he wants to make me into a hip hop emcee haha. But honestly.. I wouldn't mind. It's a different medium for me to try out and who knows, maybe I can get good at it. As for Damian... he wants to have sex and I'm a virgin. I tell him no every single time. No sex until I'm in love. I've waited this long, I might as well wait for the real thing... or at least a relationship. And me and him aren't in one. I feel like this is just a less obvious version of what me and richard were last year... when you come down to it, he just wants to have sex with me. Although, he has shown signs for caring about me. He goes all way from queens to see me.. that can range from 45 minutes to 3 hours, depending on traffic and wrong turns, trying at least once a week. He brings me little gifts and tries to fix my computer. He even helped me clean my room while I did my work. I think he does like me. I don't think he'd stick around this long if he didn't right? Ever since the third week of September. Why go all through this trouble to see me in jersey? I just wish I didn't have to repeat myself the last 10-15 times for him to stop. It does hurt, in both senses. I don't see the point of prolonging it if he continues this behavior. Just talk to him and then tell him you're ending it if he doesn't change. I hate feeling like I'm less than human. When I'm just someone to play with and not talk to. Although, to his credit, he did want to know what made me cry this past Wednesday, even though he had LSATs the next morning (this morning actually). It's just... I don't trust him. Not really. not just yet. He was the first boy I made out with and beyond, and I think he broke up my heart when I found out he was talking to other people about us and that he was hooking up with other girls. But he's different now, we're different, from what we were 1.5 years ago.. has it really been only that long? We actually cuddle. He's affectionate with me. He can be considerate. He is different... but I think I have this image of the old him still and then again, with Richard... who stopped calling me pet names after the first month of us being together... while Damian still continues. Sometimes I think of letting my guard down and call him baby or sweetie because I do want to at the time. But then, I can't. I want the next person I call baby to be mine. Not someone I'm just seeing. I want it to mean something. I want to mean something. eileen PS i will update more. right now i want to write so much more, and much of it's just to express how i feel without talking it out. I'm so sick of talking sometimes... 11:05 pm - 12.05.09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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