flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i saw his ghost more than i saw him in person in one day compared to other days. so yeah.. my net is down... and i'm in my dorm... it's down because ... i bet... i'm on wireless and not on network cable shitt or whatever... but it's okay. hopefully it'll work later on today. but i shouldn't get my hopes up honestly. i hope that it does... but again... *sigh* ... at least i ... sort of ... know where it is. at home... of course... because i'm an idiot. but whatever. i don't feel comfortable yet... i should... but i don't. i want to.. really i do... but it isn't happening. i guess i'm going to have to wait a while again. anyway, i kept on seeing steve today. like... umm... three times? or so... and i don't think that tally includes yesterday. it's weird really... i swear... i saw him in this guy walking out of the rape trail... and he was looking straight at me... and i could've sworn it was him... and in his green jacket... and i almost said hi.. haha. it's so very strange... i kind of wanted to tell him but we're not that close. at all. and i don't expect him to comment me at all... even though i pathetically hope that he would. i don't want to wait for nothing... that's called despair right? i was actually even thinking about putting this as a note on facebook... not this exact entry but something quite like it. i'm getting scared that i dont like it here anymore. but i have to wait this out and actually attend all my classes before i make such a decision. it could be the weather really.. you know SAD... it could be the fact that i left that damn wire at home. it could be many other things... i don't know. i just want to feel alright again. but i feel sooo weird here. i'm not really all there yet... sometimes i am... most of the time i'm not. i want so badly to write well but it's not coming out like that. but i rather be honest and write badly than create a masterpiece and be a fake. but why can't i do both? i'm in communications right? god. if i could just... i feel stupid now. i think... i think i wouldn't mind if no one talks to me at all... maybe that's what is throwing me off. like it doesn't really affect me all that much if they just ignore me... like during late night... i didnt mind that no one was talking to me and that i wasn't part of the conversation. i have nothing to offer and they saw that. and that doesn't faze me at all. but it should right? a sign of depression maybe? i don't know at all. and i don't feel like telling anyone ... cuz i don't think it's important really. and could that be part of the problem too? and if i knew... i think i would've told you right? i just shrug it off. like how i shrugged off not talking to people that i've wanted to talk to before. it's really okay with me... i just hope that it remains that way. i've been skipping a lot of lines lately.... does it mean anything? oh well.. best not to analyze it. because look what happens... this shit. eileen 2:41 am - 01.19.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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