flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- \"uno\" noche It's been three days since I've seen you. And I know that i've broken my vow... but to be honest... i don't mind... i had a lot on my mind. and i can let it slide. but shit can be done and over with in three days. so going over three days is too fucking much. so i had to write to you... not because it was a promise it's because i want to... and maybe need to.. i get insanely jealous when i see a girl in any of my crushes' pictures. and also get that way when i see them talk to a girl. i try not to let it show... i have no idea if it does. and i know it shouldn't be a big deal. but it bothers me so fucking much. god... i wonder what it'll be like when i get a boyfriend?? i wonder if it'll be worse... or maybe i 'll get better? who knows...? it's not something i'm eager about. in fact... i'm quite content to laugh at my crushes online. and behind their backs. and in front of their gorgeous faces. because i'm that spiteful and mean. and to be honest... i kinda like it that way. i know that sort of behavior pushes people away from you. but i can't help it if i enjoy it can i? it's schadenfreude. the best type. and i think... in my own mind... that some people will be happy to learn that their misery is giving me joy. i know that sometimes i do.... i mean like... i don't mind if my embarassing behavior.. my miserable demeanor.. is giving them fun... in fact i'm so glad--- sometimes--- that it does. it's nice to know that someone is happy... and if they laugh because of me.. then i'm fine with it. i've been feeling very awkward lately... so fucking self-conscious that i feel transparent. but i'm starting to get over it. i guess since i relaxed about the deadlines and about what i've done. and yesterday.. saturday night... i had such a good time laughing my arse off. i'm so glad that hanged out with them. it reminded me how lucky i was ... to be friends with all of them. even if the only reason i laughed so much was because it was so late. but i actually felt comfortable with leaning on lori! i can't help but feel happy that i accomplished that much! i shouldn't be afraid of what they think of me... i think that they think of me as their friend. and i should act like one. i should be more social. being alone isn't all that great sometimes... it gets lonely. i have to get out more so i can have more moments like those. but actually those moments were more like hours. isn't that wonderful? hours! that's such a long time... hopefully, tthe next tiem it will extend into days. eileen 6:08 am - 01.29.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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