flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary

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nobody's the enemy

Today's the last day of January.

And have I done much in regards to my new year's resolution?

I have no fucking idea.

I've been working out.. because I've enrolled into classes.

But I haven't really tried to talk to people... I'm starting to get scared of them all over again.

But I realize that's futile.

Because of that damn song:

She's Not The Enemy
--By Jason Falkner

Oh if you wanna talk to her, just go up and talk to her and she won't mind
Do yourself a favor boy, in this world for hesitation there's no time
Serve her up a slice of life, she don't have to be your wife to enjoy
Give her something interesting and something no one else can sing, you followin' me?

Chorus:
She's not the enemy
No she's not the enemy
She's not the enemy
No she's not the enemy

Yeah let's talk about the stratosphere even though we're stuck down here it's alright
It's just another cracked idea but I can tell you what you feared late last night

(chorus)

Gotta keep tellin' yourself
Gotta keep tellin' yourself
Just keep tellin' yourself

If you wanna talk to me, just come up and talk to me, I won't mind
Do yourself a favor girl, in this world for hesitation, there's no time (there's no time)
Say you want the slice of life, you don't have to be my wife to enjoy
Nothing ever ends it just begins, again, you followin' me?

(chorus 2x)

and that's just dumb.

i mean... i just realized that every time i talk to someone .. for the first time after an almost long time of not speaking to them... i think {and even say--) "I always thought you hated me."

god i feel foolish.

i have such a low self-esteem. i mean... i think that acquaintances hate me in an instant... even strangers.

you know.. i honestly thought i had a high self-respect for myself. but now i see that i don't.

yes i don't give a shit what people think about me.

but i still think that people hate me.

are those two different things in reality? there's a tie in there somewhere right?

am i kidding myself?

i think i am. i say what i want and i don't give a fuck about what the other person thinks, BUT i don't try to talk to the people i want to talk ... the ones i have a crush on... (yeah i have talked to them.. but not really--) because i'm afraid of them.

and what they'll think of me.

i'm such a hypocrite.

and i enjoy it... at least when the first time i did.

but now it hurts. i'm tearing up and it hurts.

i have a slight headache right now.

i dont know how to fix this.

i mean just tonight... and almost every night... i haven't called anyone to eat late night with me... because i think they'll say no... because.. i admit it.. because of me...

i feel so stupid... i know this doesn't reflect all the people i know.. and i know that many of them DO care about me and my well-being.

but i don't believe them.

sometimes i just can't.

and i need to talk to rox about this.

but i feel like i can't talk to her ... at least not right now.

i want to talk to mar or somebody about this.

i need to get better... i'm scared that i'm wasting my life with the way i'm looking at myself.

right now i feel that i'm repulsive and a liar... someone who's gonna fail at what she does and who won't complete anything she wants

a drawer? c'mon.. i'll never be able to finish that.

but i know that won't always be true.

i can whittle it down... slowly.

maybe with one item at a time.. or maybe 7 .. i don't know.

i just gotta keep on pushing that's all.

hey... i've been writing in paragraphs in this entry.. isn't that a good sign?

eileen

4:24 am - 01.31.07

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