flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it's good to cry... even if you thought you didn't need to at the time i think i understand my want of alcohol. me on alcohol.. is just me with bigger balls so to speak. ok, in nicer terms, bigger courage. because most, if not all, things i've done intoxicated are EXACTLY the things i want to do sober. leaning against people, hugging people i don't really know but i like, telling secrets openly, saying fuck it before i confess that i used to like them, etc. i even got to cry on someone's shoulder... something i've only done like once on my grandma before she pushed me away after only a little while. thank you joia. i swear i wouldn't know what to do without you... sometimes i wish i was a lesbian or even a bisexual, just because i could really fall for you ... you're such a good friend and you're so open and i hate to see you hurt. i never poured out my heart so much in an half hour... we were both in the bathroom and i couldn't help but cry... i told her how i thought my father doesn't love me.. because he never told me.. how i think he's disappointed with me because i didn't pick the right major.. how i did all these things... the scholarship, good grades, for his approval yet he won't give it... how he told me i was ugly... he never said sorry for that... i know he loves me... i think... in his own twisted way.. but i can't help but think that he thinks i'm stupid and hideous... maybe that's why i can't help but laugh when someone tells me i'm cute or pretty ... if my own father can't love the way his eldest daughter looks then why would they? how could they? i confessed and opened myself more to joia tonight in that short period of time than i ever did with anyone... i never hugged someone so much ... i never kissed a girl on her head besides my sister... i never felt so comforted and loved.... not even with the other friends i have... i can totally relate to her... i can totally pour my heart to her... i can say what i need to say without feeling bad. and i don't have that in rox.. and even mar... but one day we will get there. and i don't even know joia that well really... or that long actually. it's funny what you do drunk... i hope i remember what we did together... i want to remember that i can depend on her to say things to and i want her to know that she has that within me. i know she doesn't hate me at all.. that's just her way of showing affection. she's a beautiful girl and she deserves the kinda love i think we both deserve from everyone. i don't wnat her to be sad and i don't want me to be sad... i guess i was sad for awhile... i don't know i cried like that.. just like that.. i think i held that in for too long.... i wish i didn't. now that i found a female best friend at college... all i need is a male lol. but i haven't really found one yet... not that i know of. i want someone soon though. eileen 4:44 am - 03.22.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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