flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sidereality so i just took a length ass sleep... like 14 hours long... waitt.. possibly 12 actually slept from 5PM-5AM today... but i was interruprted at intervals at like 7PM and 11PM cuz caitlin and marr called me up. i was really surprised to find that people read this thing... i thought i was the only one who reads this... makes me want to cut down on content and shit but whatevverr.. that would be dishonest so i'll just go on writing the way i write pretending that no one from the "real world" reads this.. even though i've already broken the barriers by: but it's ok.. you can't seperate two things for too long.. it's bound to meld and mesh. kind of like fate or wyrd or God or something like that. that whole "by the stars" or the planets or constellations... oh wait.. is it "star fated?" i found out this word: sidereal - (adj.) 1.) of or relating to stars or constellations Our sidereal moments, the real ones... the ones directed by the stars... i think they're the ones we see coming but go "Oh My God..." when they arrive. Out of sheer disbelief, belief, a mixture of both, reaction, amazement {something more substantial.. at least to me.. than disbelief}, and awe. There could be other things that factor in.. but i don't know if i could type and think of them all down. I had one of those recently.. reading my notes... i get so utterly amazed that someone would take the time and read these shitty ass entries of mine... sometimes they aren't even well-thought out or organized. and they can be just so incomplete it's bothersome and it makes me wonder exactly what makes people read them... i don't know if i have anything interesting to say or something new to tell everyone besides what's going on with my life.. but the people in my buddy list.. they have soo much to offer that i wish i was them writing their entries down... i always find sometihng new about life and me and shit so i always wonder why i even bother? i mean i love to write.. and sometimes the things i have made are pretty amazing... but god.. i can never match up to them.. it'll be hard to try. i get so scared when i see someone looking at my work.. even though the work itself is at least to me astounding... but God i get this deepest fear that they're lying to me when they say they love it. i guess it's a self-esteem or confidence issue. especially when someone i like hold its in their hands.. god.. the worst feelings come over me... i figured that they start hate me or dread me or think i'm weird or obsessed but i don't know... i just get the worst fears. maybe that's why i'm scared of sending out love letters... it's something you put your entire heart into.. trying to make it eloquent and pretty for the one you care about... hmm... i never thought of that... i always thought i was scared of what he would think if i had those thoughts of him... but never about the actual detail of the letter... it's weird but true. maybe that's why i prefer telling someone they're hot, then sending them something of more substance. i hope one day i'll get the courage to send someone a letter.. probably not for a while though... it's too soon for many... too much for others... and i can't really think of someone to write to well .. yeah i can.. but i want to be friends with him.. and everyone else.. than anything... but i don't know .. it could change just saying .. and sorta hoping eileen 5:55 am - 04.01.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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