flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- now i remember... so.. me and roxanne made up and cleared the air. i still have some things i want to say to her... i think what came out was that i regret changing myself totally when i didn't regret a lot of the things i did. i just regret hurting people. i'll definitely tell her when we're alone. i think she'll understand that. i don't mind the fact that she doesn't trust me... in fact... i'll admit... i don't think i ever trusted her to begin with. yes i've known her for years. yes i told her that my father called me ugly{and God knows i sometimes still believe him}. and yes we've went to school together from start to this semi finish. but even though i shared secrets with her... i still don't trust her. i can't tell her everything... at least before.. but i'm starting to believe that right now i can. i don't know if i can say any of it though to her... even though it feels like i've confessed and said some many things the past year i know for a fact that i haven't. like this site for example... this diary contains so much that i don't want the real world to see.. there's so much in here that i keep hidden... so much that i wonder what should be let out and what shouldn't be. whether it was a mistake to say it or not... it's soo weird. i'm socially awkard... i don't know how to deal with people to be honest. i know how to be nice but... i don't know how to comfort a crying girl or tell someone i care for them without sending creepy vibes or whatnot. i don't know what i should shut up about or what i should say out loud. because quite honestly... i believe we should say the truth, even if it makes the other person uncomfortable. but that's not tactful right? i shouldn't even do that... but i don't know what makes other people uncomfortable because it wouldn't make me uncomfortable if someone said that to me. i hate the fact that we hold in our thoughts... i want to know what other people are thinking... i don't give a shit how randomn you are. i want to know what's going on in your head. i don't want to see your cleancut side. i want to think of you as a freak and smile about it. i want your honesty and i don't want to wait until you're drunk for you to be truthful with me joia. i hate having to watch my mmouth and be scared that you'll think of me as obnoxious or stupid roxanne. i tell you these things and i say these things out loud because i didn't think that you would mind.. i thought you knew me long enough for me to be comfortable with it. and fuck the rest of our friends.. they'll get used to it. ... this is what i forgot to tell her. eileen 3:12 am - 04.16.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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