flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- well. this is a surprise. [understatement] soo-- that message... i made roxanne read it for me... so friggin glad i made up with her... i don't think there was anyone here who i would tell... even if me and joia weren't in a "falling out" sort of stage... i was antagonizing so much... overly so.. turns out it was good news. fuck that. great news. the greatest news i ever got from a boy... ever since kevin told me he liked me... i honestly think that he was the only one who genuinely liked me. dj-- i don't think so... i think he'd like anyone that long time ago... and he didn't know me that well. jeff-- he did like me.. but, i don't know how much of it was because i was like the only filipina girl he was talking to.. at least i think i was... i don't know. michael-- hmm... that's tough... he probably did genuinely liked me... ok... ever since that point lol. actually... there probably was more recent "news" from boys that i liked... like Tom... but... i don't know how to view them because well... i don't think they want to be around me. that could be just my self-esteem talking but... i just can't picture them wanting to hang out me with like i used to hope that they would... and now kevin.. he really does... i was so fucking scared about placing that letter in his mailbox... holy shit... i was so glad to be leaving in that minivan to ramapo... but those days afterwards.. man... head trauma lol. but he said he should've tried harder to keep in touch... helped me with my college applications... called me beautiful even... and he told me that he would've went to prom with me... and that he thought of me when he looked at my house... it's weird. it's all i wanted to hear and i can honestly tell you that i don't want any of it. i mean.. i was expecting him not responding back.. i was pretty much hoping for that... that way i can move on and think of him as a dick.. but now he's a sweetheart all over again and i think i can fall for him... he even wanted to see if there was something there between us. i half want it and i half don't... it's so scary... my second chance at first chance love... it's funny how things turn out sometimes... all these fucking years and i should've tried harder.. the one little damper on this was he promised to definitely IM me the next time he saw me online... i was online the same time as him for like 40 minutes ... and he didn't IM me. granted... i could've IMed him.. but ... i don't know ... i felt like maybe he was too busy for me... or maybe he wanted me to IM him because i messaged him back... ugh.. i don't know. all i know is that i can't let this slip away.. not again. that would be the worst thing i could do to myself... emotionally. i'm definitely going to try to talk to him tomorrow. i'm still scared though... even though it's IM ... did we really have to be neighbors? i still can't believe i did all of that. holy shit. makes me want to take another huge risk and see what happens from there. eileen 6:41 am - 04.19.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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