flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- not as strong as she thought. .... i pretty much cried when i realized that i didn't have a spine. it's true. i know that now. when i talked with steph about my talk with rox.. i realized that i didn't defend my actions at all.. i basically placed the blame on myself.. when roxanne deserved a little shame herself. and she had no right to bring up that "anna is a bitch" shit... she had no part in it.. she didn't even witness it... and i already apologized for it... so much... and it was so long ago.. so why the fuck did she had to bring that up!?!? it's useless.. and i knew that it was wrong but i didn't call her out on it. now i regret it. i should've said something... i should've done more... who gives a shift if it causes a rift... at least i have my dignity intact... now i lost that.... now i'm going to cry again... this is so frustrating... i hate myself right now... why can't i be stronger!?! stephanie is right... i am two steps back from the silence with roxanne... i'm worse off than before. i don't even know if this peace is worth it right now... i mean... it's nice to talk to her.. but for her to keep on believing she still right.. well.. that's fucked up. but i'm stupid to... i let her think that.. when i should've told her otherwise. you know.. when i was changing... i was on my way to getting a spine... i did call on rox for leaving caitlin out when caitlin said she did want to do something with them... but that was fall semester now now. now i'm wondering what else i let slipped past... i'm such a weak person... but from now... i'll try not to be... i don't want to be a doormat. i wish i had a stronger will.. but... i'm so weak so fucking weak. oh great... i'm crying again... adam is right across the hall... i want to ask him for a hug... but i don't think i can... i don't want to disturb him... another realization... steph is making me see straighter than before... i wish i knew her sooner.. at least i'd change sooner... and better. well.. at least i'm less delusioned now... i have to say what's on my mind more... i know that sometimes it's bad but most of the time it isn't bad.. in fact it could be good. i don't want to be weak anymore... i've always been weak... i want to fix that so badly. but right now... i want to cry on some boy's shoulder... maybe kevin's... i don't know... i don't know how he feels about me.. i mean the messages are good.. but when i IMed him.. well .. it was fine.. i don't know.. maybe i'm making a big deal out of it... i'll just talk to him a more sane hour. oh great i'm tearing up and crying again... i hate being this way... the one thing strong about my crying is the fact i almost always do it in private and alone... or at least i felt alone... even though i was by people... it's going to be hard trying to become a better person... but i certainly want to try. and i'll start by admitting that i'm weak. and hopefully, with that, i'll become a bit stronger of will eileen 7:58 am - 04.22.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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