flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a sad discovery when i realize something... usually i'm not happy... i fucking hate that. i only remember a few recent happy epiphanies. but most of them are sad and harsh and horrible and i start to hate myself when i realize them. it's pretty unfair. like when i found out that being smart isn't going to make me happy but being ignorant will be. because the more you know... the worse you realize things are... it's freaking terrible. i don't like it at all. it makes me cry. it should be that when you have a wonderful clairvoyant, clear-minded... i don't know... i forgot the name of it ... moment you should be so happy that you realized it ... become proud of yourself. but me.. i just mope and get depressed ... it's making me fucking bitter. i don't want to be a cynic... not a permanent one... but i don't want to be an optimist... at least not for life. i like to vary... but tthis year... shit... i feel like i have little faith in guys. i only know a few who have not been complete douchebags to me... and one of them i haven't talked to properly in years... and the rest i just view as friends... so i don't think i know any guys that i like that haven't done asshole things... i think i can excuse tom though... i mean... he has told me that he couldn't do ish with me... at least he let me know... albeit hours later.. but still better than others.... i'm trying to remember what he did that could get me mad at him.... oh yeah... kissing the head of kristi... they're probably just friends... but shit that pissed me off... i'm just the jealous type though... so i shouldn't call anyone an ass because of that.. that's affection... and besides... i don't have any sort of claim on that boy anyway. i don't want to be sad.. or have any reason to be sad. i wanted this summer to be wonderful... but it can't... not with the failing grade on my mind... did i really disturb it!?!??! i don't want to think about it anymore... i wish i could just put it off my mind... i don't want to talk about it anymore with anyone because it might annoy them... i want to find a spot, where no one can hear me or be disturbed by me., so that way i can scream out every fucking bit of frustration and discontent. ...i'd probably cuss off everyone... even God... jump around and stomp... thrash my body around... scream profane words like a veteran sailor... and probably scream out I LOVE YOUs to the boys i have a crush on.. i know... that last bit is weird... but i can't say I LOVE YOU aloud... at least not to the crushes since i don't know them that well, don't actually love them, and aren't really interested in them quite yet. but i think it'd be fun to say it to them.. or at least say it aloud.. in a romantic way. pretty stupid right? eileen 6:58 am - 05.21.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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