flippantbebe's diary

flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary

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i've changed a lot darling. ... sorry

SO. it's been more than seven months since i updated this thing...

and i don't know really why i haven't... maybe it's because i have another blog that i update:

http://typed-out.livejournal.com

it's public... and my real world friends actually read it.. so nothing really ties me to here... except my need to be private... but i think that's diminishing... cuz i would be posting on here... instead of revealing it the world... but now i'm getting urges to post privately... here.

and anyway... i read somewhere that you should do something you're scared to do every day... and this was one of them... coming back here... even though i knew i didn't have any new comments... but it's scary... because... before i left here.. i was a little bit happier... i think... and i couldn't come back because around that time i broke down.

hard. devastingly hard.

and i think i couldn't come back cuz i worked at target.

it was a sucky summer... but that was mostly my fault... it's amazing how much a mental collapse can reveal to you... not that i want another one of those... but i think it was worth it for all i learned:

i'm not alone.

my dad really does love... he never said it.. but he does.

people can be such ARSEHOLES! it's fucking unbelievable... didn't do a damn thing.. didn't even say a bad thing.. yet they say all this shit.. fucking cunts i swear

people assume the worse if you're quiet.

they start to hate on you if you're unresponsive

{and i was only like that because of my breakdown.. not because of them.. but then it became because of them.. fucking basturds... i'm starting to hate california.. useless shit.}

even though you're quiet - no.. silent.. i was more silent than quiet- and try to keep to yourself.. they'll just focus on you

i've become so focused on what other people want from me and need... maybe it's because i feel guilty about being a communications major... that "whatever you're more comfortable with" is what i'm most likely to say... i never think about what i want... much less admit that i think differently

it's a horrible thing to keep it all bottled in.. and i've done that all my life... which led to my breakdown inevitably.

my family does care

there's probably more... but i just can't think of any really.

anyway... the past fall semester... right now i'm on winter break btw...

it was eventful...

i drank a lot more.. a hell of a lot more.. partied a lot more too

but that came crashing down to a bad end. bad enough for me to land in the hospital... more like wake up in the hospital...

yeah. that bad.

maybe i'll type about it .. but not now... i repeated that story way too many times for me to keep that on a blog.

and oh yeah... i've hooked up... and probably done more than hooked up depending upon your definition..

it's weird... before this semester i never really thought that people thought i was pretty or cute.. much less beautiful... and here guys tell me that... i don't know what happened that made them say that.

maybe it's because i got out more? and socialized more? and then they see me more.. and maybe they think that they'll just let me know? i don't know..

i'm with someone... not in a relationship at all.. but i'm having a fling... he doesn't want a relationship.. and i said before i didn't want one... but that outlook is starting to change too..

i don't know if i want one with him...

he's graduating this may

he lives in Poland

people tell me he hooks up with a girl all the time... not sure if he still is... but i think i'll ask him point blank...

even if he's going to graduate school.. it's going to be in a state nearby... and i don't think it'll work out like that

i think he only likes me for my body {holy shit. that's fucking weird to admit}. there was that one time he did ask if we could hang out at the mall... but so far all we've been at is his bedroom

i think i'm his asian fetish {Asian girls are amazing.. that pollock}

but then i miss him.. and i think about him all the time... okay maybe just kissing him.. but i want to see his stupid face again... i just want to go back to school and see him so badly. argh.

it's strange to hear people say that i'm attractive.. and it's even stranger that people want to kiss me... i don't know.. it's all freaky and i'm so not used to it.. and i'm scared i might land in another predicament like what my drinking got me...

and the night when i over did the alky.. was when i broke up things with that guy... damian... and here i am... hooking up with him again... but i haven't started drinking... my mom doesn't want me to.. my dad.. being more realistic and of course he drinks... tells me just to have like one or just sip cuz i'm so small.

i don't know what's going to happen when i get back to school... i'm a little scared... i don't want to go overboard like last time... but i think i want to party.. just do it sober... and maybe sip a little or drink like a smirnoff or something.. i really want to dance though hehe.

and oh yeah.. remember how i failed that last class? turns out i aced it... i reregistered for that class.. and the day after i went to the first day of class.. he sent me an email how it's all been a mistake... and i ended up with an A. crazy huh?

insanely fucked up that is.

anyway.. whatever. this past semester wasn't too good though... but i'm not really complaining about my grades though:

Newswriting - A {*big smiles}
World Cinema Movments - A- {got a C+ for the midterm.. so i'm pretty happy with this}
Story Structure: Documentary/ Fiction Film - B- {she is a hard grader... and i did failed the midterm by coming like a halfhour to an hour late or something like that.... andd i did totally half-arsed the documentary proposal.. so i'm content}
Sociology of Race Relations - B- {i totally sucked towards the end with the quizzes.. got the equivalent of a C+ on the paper (which i kinda deserved) and i totally missed a question on the four question final.. so i think i deserved it and maybe got better than what i deserved}

still... with all my logic and reasoning... my GPA went down from a 3.8 to a 3.63... ack. still in the honors program... still got my scholarship.. but goddamnit... i fell by A LOT.

oh well.. i'll definitely push myself to do better... i definitely could have... it's always half assed with me... why? oh well.

anyway..my wrist is starting to hurt...yikes... bad sign.

eileen

10:49 pm - 01.05.08

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