flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- your penis might be in love with me.. but i MIGHT be in love with you... maybe. i can't stop thinking about sex. it's fucking horrible. every since Damian happened to me... I've been so horny warning: this will get explicit.. since no one reading this will suddenly physically appear in my life anytime soon. i think about him fucking me and going down on me and me doing the same to him. i think of all the things that we want to do to each other and how much i hate winter break and Europe for getting in the way of our lust. only 11 more days to wait out... but it feels like forever to my libido damn a lot has changed since the last last time i updated you guys. it doesn't help matters that i've been messaging this guy from hawaii back and forth for months... and the last hundred or so have been heavily laden with sex talk. shit why does he have to live in Hawaii/Poland!??!?! why can't i find someone in NJ? or at LEAST in the east coast. christ. and the only thing that's getting in the way of me having sex is the fact that i want to be in love FIRST then do it. i'm starting to think that waiting is horrible idea... that's so not a good sign. i gotta hold strong before i make huge mistake. i mean i care about Damian a lot. i never felt anything like this for someone before... but my head, and even my heart, is telling me this isn't love... but maybe it's because of the status of our relationship? it's not even a relationship to be honest... more like a hook up... and i have a feeling he could be into someone else.... i wonder how i would react if i find that one out? keep it cool eileen. ice cold. this is what i get for getting close to someone... i worry about what he thinks of US... not even me anymore really.. cuz i know he wants me in the worst way... but i don't know how he FEELS... does he want to be in love with me? does he want me in his life... and for more than what i do to his cock? i mean... he told me that there was something special about me.. but that's because i make ejaculate more than his ex-girlfriend... more than any girl actually... and even more than he ever did to himself... he might be lying but it did end up all the way to his nipple... and he was hard not even five minutes in the movie.. probably before i got into the room even. told you it was going to get dirty fast. i just don't want to be any more into it than he is.. before i KNOW i wasn't... he was the one telling me "kiss you" in the messages.. calling me cute, babe, sunshine in those things... he was the more affectionate one, and he was the one complaining to me how i was intimate with him in private and not when we're other people. he was the one... and now i might be the one. i mean... maybe not outwardly.. but inwardly... i keep on thinking that these are just his ploys to get me to be closer to him.. more physically intimate. but that could be my jaded self talking. or my intuition. but i don't know... something tells me to keep my hand on him... but that could be my hormones talking. i swear to god i need to get all of this straight before i do something stupid. but all i know is.. that there is no point in ending a good thing. no fucking point at all. and this.. so far... is a good thing because he has been good to me, at least he hasn't hurt me... or has tried to hide whatever would hurt... he has made attempts to keep me close to him, so he's trying... at what i don't know... i think he knows that he has me in his pants.. but maybe he wants to make sure i stay there? or maybe he wants more out of me than that... he wants to see me more... but maybe just in his bedroom... i don't know what to do when it comes to him. or anyone. or anything actually. the only thing i settled is my concentration and it took me a year and a half. people? fucking different game man. and a harder one too. we only have til his graduation day... and i think that might be a reason why we aren't in a relationship... i don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of being one... just with the right guy. and the more i get to know him... the more i spend time without him... i keep on thinking that maybe .. just maybe.. he is the right one. not THE ONE.. but just a one to be in a relationship with. which was totally different from what i thought of him before. wow. before. so totally different from now. like you wouldn't believe. like my parents do not want to believe. maybe in ten years but not now... and especially with someone who is 21 and sexually active. i wonder what my parents would think if they knew i was with him? just ex out any sexual shit.. just him as a person? i really don't know that one. probably disappointed that he isn't filipino haha. but i don't want to think about him graduating.. or having a boyfriend... i just want to be with him. and i think that's a sign, a step, towards love right? eileen 3:28 am - 01.10.08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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