flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the only place left i can talk openly, without fear of being discovered i know it's been awhile... i've been updating my other blog.. typed_out... on livejournal... and i've only recently restarted blogging two days ago after a month or so hiatus. i have a boyfriend now... it'll be 2 months july 9th. and the reason i'm back here is that i want to write about something i can't write publicly... or even in my friends only entries... because well... i'm just... i'm upset... about something that's stupid and quite trivial. i'm too private to spread that shit on publicsphere... too proud to tell my friend cuz i feel stupid for feeling this way... but i still want someone to be able to read it... even though i know no one will... and going on with this.... there are reasons why i shouldn't be hurt at all and i know them... but still... it hurts. i'm actually crying... a little... over it... you see.. i'm going to see kaba modern with my boyfriend richard, along with my friends mona and lyuben, on thursday... we live 1 hour and 15 minutes away from each other.. it's going to be in NYC... he lives in NY, i live in NJ. he's been sick up until recently... in fact he had a fever... and he offered to drive us to the city... he has been losing sleep because of me... he normally sleeps at 12AM or so and because he talks with me so long on the phone he pushes his bedtime to 2 or 3 or even 4 in the morning... and my dad told me i can go to ramapo in the morning... and i was really excited because i can spend time with richard.. just the two of us... since both lyuben and mona are going to be working til 4:30pm or so... but richard said... since we might be up all night... that it would be better if i went to ramapo when mona gets out.. so he doesn't have to waste gas and he can take a four hour nap to prep for that night. and so... i was really hurt when he said that... i felt rejected... i felt like he didn't want to see me... i didn't... initially... understand why he would want that... we don't see each other much anyway because we live so far apart.. i would think that he would want to be with me... he said it'd be boring if i was there watching him sleep... and that we can hang out at ramapo... and i understand that it'd probably would be boring just to watch him sleep... but it'd be weird to be at ramapo since we wouldn't have a room to be in since both mona and lyuben are at work {though he said we can ask for their key... i feel weird about asking) but it'd be strange his ilko would be there... and whoever else lives there... he says this is how he thinks and i know it makes sense to do it like that... but i can't help feeling like i'm just a chore for him to deal with.. a burden... i feel like shit. he said my dad could drop me off at the mall... but i don't know about that... maybe that can work but i don't know... he said to forget it, he can meet me at ramapo.. he said, "after all, it's the boyfriend's job to cater to his girlfriend right?" but the thing is... i don't want to be a job to him... i want him to willingly be with me... and it feels like he just doesn't i feel guilty for being the main reason that him sick.. i feel even worse now cuz i feel like i drain so much energy out of him... i don't want to be a burden him. he said sounded "displeased" on the phone... and i think i admitted that i was... but i'm more inclined to think i just said, "no it's fine." i guess i should meet him later in the day... around 4pm... but then again.. he said he wanted to spend time with just me.. the last time we went to nyc... i don't mind if he takes naps with me there... but i really want to spend quality time with just him and him alone. i feel like he doesn't feel the same way i do... and that really sucks... i know that it's not true.. he wants to be with me... he's just trying to get better and not be in shitty shape... but in the end i still feel like shit. my cheeks are stained with tears... my nose is all stuffed up... and i'm disgusted with how emotional and teary-eyed i got just now. maybe i should talk to him about it... or maybe it's better to just let these feelings go? i know he doesn't mean for me to feel rejected.. he only wanted to do what's best for his body... but if i knew he was upset over something i wanted to do... i would want to know. i wouldn't want him to feel hurt at all... i think i should tell him... i'll tell him i understand that he's only doing what makes sense and is best for his still ailing body... and i will see him around 4pm... but i can't help feeling terrible and awful for doing this to him... i think i'm selfish, and such a fucking child, for wanting him to spend time with me.. instead of letting him get much needed rest. i know it's normal for a girl to want her boy to be with her... but still... circumstances tend to fuck things up and make you guilty. right now my heart hurts... i even said aloud "ow" a couple of times... and i hate the fact that i'm still crying. this is so stupid. this is so stupid. this is so stupid. it doesn't matter how logical you look at the situation, you can still feel like crying no matter how you look at it. i'm so amazed at how separate and far away the areas of the heart and the head are. i need to tell richard how i feel... which, hopefully, by the time i talk to him, will be felt. i think writing out what has happened and how i felt makes things a bit better... maybe sleep, and time to distance me and that conversation, can cure it. the good news is... this was the first time i cried in our relationship.... and that i don't remember when or why i cried last time. i feel like it's a good thing to not remember the when and why you cried, was upset, or furious... if you remember you might be all those all over again... like how i'm remembering the reason why i'm crying... cuz i feel like he doesn't want to see me on thursday.... it just brings on the pain and the heartbreak and those everflowing tears. i need to drink something. i need to eat something. i need to do something else... i should move on to something more productive and distractive, right? logic doesn't lessen the feeling... at all. eileen 12:41 am - 07.01.08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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