...and he told me that he didn't care what i looked like... and i believed that asshole....

i was so fucking shocked that i had to repeat what he said back to him and confirm it like 3 or 4 times.. in fact.. i'm pretty sure i did that with everything he said.

he did say however that he said all those mean things just to make himself look like a jackass and make the breakup easier for me... he thought if he he acted like an asshole. it'd be "better"

FUCKKKK NO!

it's NEVER okay to act like an asshole on purpose!!!! esp. to someone you supposedly care about! how can you say such hurtful, cruel things to me when you know how bad my self-esteem is?!?! you fucking asshole.

i was a fucking mess. i was crying so much. i even suggested to be friends with benefits and to his credit, he said no. but i couldn't kiss him when we were in the parking lot and he leaned in saying, "i know what we'll make you feel better."

it made him look like a sleazeball.

face it eileen. HE IS a sleazeball!

and when i turned away... he said, "see i knew you couldn't do it."

fucking A i can't believe he tortured me like that.

and my first day back in school.. seriously!??!?

we had a conversation two months prior... maybe two weeks after that blog post... and he said he didn't want to be my boyfriend anymore.. BUT he still wanted to date me and only me.

and i asked him, REPEATEDLY, "do you want to break up with me?" and i was crying,,, duh.

and he said, "no i don't. i only want to date you." and all i thought was "maybe he thought we were moving too fast.. maybe if i distanced myself and stopped calling him pet names and stuff that it'll be okay" and for two months i held my tongue.. i barely complimented him. didn't call him sweetie or baby. i didn't even get to do dirty talk cuz he actually said that we shouldn't.... totally perplexed me.. even now.

and i thought things would be fine. i thought that "once i get back to ramapo, everything will be fine. we'll be able to see each other everyday instead of once or twice a month. he's only 15 minutes away. i'll have my own room so he can spend the night over." happy blah blah blah.

i was even considering losing my virginity to him cuz i figured that eventually he'll love me.. and i will admit i was horny as fuck to get with him. i honestly think that if were still together.. i would've lost it maybe even less than a month into the school year.

but he had to fuck it up and break up with me.

and i feel like such a non-girl saying this... but i'm really pissed that we broke up before we did it.

sure, a part of me is GENUINELY happy that i'm still a virgin.. cuz what's worse than losing it someone you don't even love and who won't even love you? and if he did break up with me a few weeks after we did it. holy shit.

karma. would've. tore up. his poor ass.

and by karma i meant me.

but i guess it's okay for me to be a virgin still.

except i think about his naked body all the fucking time.

i've done everything but the BIG IT. and i already seen him in the nude so it's not hard to picture... and our chemistry is just too ridiculous to contain... we're both freaks. and virgins. and the combination is just not manageable.

if there's anything that he's done right is he knows how to make me moan.

and i'm so glad he did.

but it's just soo bad to think of everytime I.. will.. you know.

christ.. i can talk about wanting to fuck a guy but when i talk about doing something more in line with what i currently do to get myself off... well.. yeah.

anyway, after long pauses of not talking and shorter instances of talking.. we eventually hook up the day before halloween...

even though i knew i still had feelings for him... and i even told him... i gave in and asked him over.

i missed his body so bad... i missed kissing so bad. i missed sleeping next to his warm body. i loved being held by him so close.

after that.. we hooked up one last time.. the week after... throughout the course of being fwb.. i realized that i was treating him like a boyfriend... wanting to call him all the time... talking to him for long hours... when he didn't want that.. he just wanted sexual gratification.

and that alone should've stopped me from going through with hooking up with him from the beginning.. but i wouldn't allow that... i wanted to be with him so much.

i still do... i still do like him.

and i decided to end it... but instead of just ceasing the physicalness, i decided to end all contact with him.

he was saddened, asking me can we still talk on aim? text? and i said no.

and he asked, "when do we stop talking?"

"when i hang up the phone."

"it makes me want to keep on talking to you"

he even said, "i feel like it'll be like when my first cat died. i cried for a week in the house."

strange analogy. but i'm glad i could break his heart.. even if it's just a little... he did say he missed me .. but all of it was just physical.. unlike me.. who felt attachment.

and i only talked to him.. twice.. once because i had to for a project and the other because i felt bad about how business like the convo was... but that conversation sucked cuz i felt like he was annoyed with me... even though the first one went well enough... i don't know...

and i called him a few days ago... i know i should wait until i'm over him... but i couldn't resist... by then i already waited over a month to call him... and i didn't want to wait until his birthday to say something... because i thought it would be weird if i just say happy birthday all out of hte blue like that.

it was just an excuse really.

and i thought it's stupid to wait for an excuse to come so i can call him without fear of scaring him away or annoying him.

anyway, he didn't pick up... but i left him a message... he didn't call back...

BUT my phone was dead when i check it that following morning.. and it was dying when i was making the call.. so maybe he did call and just chose not to leave a message? he probably thought that it registered on my phone or something... but it didn't...

or maybe that's another lie i tell myself... just for comfort... but it seems viable enough right?

i dont' know... i'll just give him another call... in teh afternoon this time.... maybe he'll pick up then... it was close to midnight when i called though.

i really want to talk to him... i know i should be moving on... it's been six months already.. but he was my first boyfriend and all....

not a good enough excuse is it?

i don't know... i jsut can't bring myself to do it really.

all i could think about is him... and i don't want to hook up with anyone... that'll just bring me down even more....

i really need someone to replace him.... even for a moment... i want to develop a crush so bad... i hate feeling like this.

does he even think about me anymore? did he already lost his virginity? is he hooking up with someone new?

yes. no. no.
... please.

i just want his birthday to come and i'll just be happy that it's arrived instead of sad as i think i'll be...

i actually meant it when i said i wanted to be friends with him... he made me laugh so much and i'm not sure if it was because i liked him that he did.

but it'd be nice if i could be friends with an ex.

even if i risk another relapse

eileen

4:36 am - 01.14.09

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