flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just a type-written letter to make myself feel better So i heard and read that writing a letter that you'll never send to someone helps the healing process... and i'm hurting right now and i think i'll give it a shot... i know it's a rehash of every blog entry i written about him in the past 4-6 months but i can't help it... Dear Richard, Why don't you care about me anymore? i know we broke up but you said we could be friends. Was that a lie? ...why does every good, sweet word have to be a lie? when i told you i could fall in love you said you felt the same way. i honestly thought you meant it.. and then months later you told me that you never believed in love in the first place. I was too shocked to remember what you told me when i thought we were okay... how sincere i thought you were. how much i thought you liked me... but why is it all a lie? why does it have to be a lie? now i feel like shit. now i feel like i'm not worth loving or even liking. you used me and it hurts... you even admitted it yourself... i remember you hinted at it, saying you felt bad about how often we were hooking up... and i thought it was weird because normally guys want to do that... and i thought .. maybe, he's different, maybe he wants to be a good guy and just like me without "forcing" himself on me. and it made me like you even more. but that wasn't true... my assumptions were false, just like everything i thought we were. no. how YOU were. you felt guilty because you knew i felt more than lust for you.. and you only felt lust for me... maybe you did like me.. but i don't know.. you even said that you never did.. that it was just lust... right? wasn't that what you said? why can't you like me for me? why can't you just like me? it hurts to like you. i want to stop but i just can't. i think about you every day. every night. i miss you so much. and i feel like... you don't feel the same... but you do to a certain degree but never enough to contact me. i thought you liked talking to me. liked being with me. and just hanging out. but all you like is the hook-up? did i get you right this time? are you really that much of a pervert... you're an asshole. and you know it. you know what you've done was wrong and still you go through with it.. you string me along for so many months... since the beginning of our supposed "relationship" ... didn't you think i deserved the truth? why didn't you tell me DURING? oh, but that would mean a real relationship huh? hell, you weren't a good friend... a good friend would be honest with me if something's bothering them. i just want to yell at you until my voice grows hoarse. i want to see you crumble the way i am right now. i want you to feel like shit all over again. how were you able to make me feel so good about myself and yet, in the end, make me feel like total and utter crap!??! are you really that same person???? i look at past text messages and my heart aches... the words so sweet... and when i look at the dates and remember what happened around that time... i start to cry even more. esp. the ones i sent to you. i was so naive... to think you really did care and like me... why am i not good enough for you? what's wrong with being in a relationship? why couldn't you just try? it made you feel like shit when i told you that you didn't even want to try... and still.. you wouldn't even if it was for me. and still i let you go.. without much yelling but so many tears...i wish it was the reverse... i feel so bitter and down about this... i want to let that all go and just move on. but still i hold on so tight. and it's useless isn't it? cuz you're not there on the other end, holding just as tightly.. in fact, you probably let it go a long time ago... what did i do wrong Richard? what did i do to scare you away? maybe i was too much. maybe it was the distance. maybe it went too fast. maybe we should've just been friends with benefits... it was stupid to be bfgf so soon wasn't it? but i didn't care... i just wanted to be with you... and i'm such a dumbass for still feeling that way... you didn't believe in love. fine. everyone has a different philosophy and way of thinking. but you just dropped me. without trying to work it out. what does it say about you then? esp. when i was only 15 minutes away from you versus an hour and 15 like i was over the summer.... you couldn't even try for a month? but why prolong pain and misery? why put up with me for even one more day? why did you have to drop my hand like that... i can't believe that you hated to hold hands... we barely saw each other enough to even bring about a mild dislike of it... at least to me. how can we think so differently... why didn't you tell me how you felt... i feel so miserable right now. my nose is dripping like the cliche faucet. i'm crying so hard that it's hurting my head... in fact there's so much heat coming to my face... and my eyes are fucking stinging from the salt of my tears. and i hate myself even more for letting you get to me again. i haven't cried this hard since that week you broke up with me... and i think i'm gonna get sick now... i really am getting a headache. it's going to be your birthday soon... and i'm going to contact you one last time... if i feel you're still being cold towards me then i'm gonna have to force myself to forget you completely. what's the point in remembering someone fondly if they don't want you in their life anymore... even if it's just in a friend context.? hah. my face feels funny from all the dried up tears and snot... i don't even want to make the effort to wipe it off.. .at least not yet.. not until i'm done typing. ... i think i look even worse than the first time i cried when we broke up... i don't think my nose was so snotty... and there were trails of tears yeah, but this time they left white marks down my cheeks and my neck. it reminded of something gross and you. you can fill that all in yourself thank you. i hate to think that i am worse now than i was when i was with you... but that's only because my self-esteem is so low now... i am a smart person. and i am pretty. but i don't think of myself like that often... which is a shame. i'm still a wonderful person. i still like who i am... i just need my self-confidence back. i just need the last 9 months back. was it really a mistake to be so attached to you so quick? i guess.... although.. they say that i shouldn't regret you since i was happy with you. so friggin happy... but yet you made me sad... sadder than anyone else before you... but that's the same happy wise. it felt great to know that someone wanted to be with me. wanted to spend time with me. wanted to fuck me. what? i'm a horny virgin too. i just wish that things were a little different... that you were secure with yourself... that you meant at least half of what you said... that you weren't such a coward... that i felt little pain... that i found someone else. that i can finally, fully, or even halfully, let you go. ... did you even it mean it when you said that we shouldn't call it goodbye... that we'd talk again? i haven't heard your voice in so long... how can you push me away like this? you were probably swept up by the dramatics... once i was gone you felt relief didn't you? you were glad to be rid of me. now you can fuck whoever wants you. i hope that when you do. you'll see me crying in the corner. mentally of course. because if you seriously got out of a relationship just to fuck freely then you were never worth it. were you? you didn't even want one in the first place... why is it that i still like you? still holding on? despite how many lies you told, the hurtful things you did, how much you just wanted to end everything with me. and am i so easy to let go? did i even matter to you? please say i did. even if it was just for a moment... i don't want to have an ex who never truly liked me... i will tell you this you were a good life lesson. and i hope you learned something from me like never make a girl cry on purpose. you ass, eileen 1:48 am - 01.22.09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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