flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it's your birthday and i'll call if i want to what if mona is right? what if he won't care if i call tomorrow.. on his birthday? i believed i thought.. in a small way.. that he wouldn't care... he might not even pick up... he'll just thank you, talk briefly, and hang up. no i miss you. he won't want anything from me, and he wont want me to ask him about how he is or what he's up to... what's the point of asking if he doesn't want to be with me? ... at all? like not even as friends? ... i don't really know. all i know is that i like him. and he doesn't feel that way about me at all. and so.. it hurts... and although i'm doubting that he'll want to talk to me tomorrow, i'll still give it a shot. after all, i do want him in my life... he was so easy to talk to and laugh with. that might be because we had an attraction going on... and even while we were friends i felt close to him-- though that could be because of the attraction again... i don't know... maybe i don't want to let go of him because of the chemistry between us. or how much he made me laugh and smile. and just how good i felt talking and hanging out with him. but if we are to be friends.. there's no point in chemistry if we aren't going to hook up. and if he doesn't want to be friends, no smiling or laughing--and even if he does, those things won't come easily for awhile.. he'll feel awkward. i'll feel the same.. and he'll feel guilty about hurting me and i'll hate him for the same.... and as for feeling good? he squashed that repeatedly with the shit he said and the bullshit he pulled.... i don't know if i can feel good with him again without questioning it... did he meant to? did he want to? was it sincere? how truthful was it? it's so hard to forgive... and to forget... especially that.... i want to just leave him behind but i can't cuz i really don't want to. i just want to know that he's okay and happy... but i know that the latter isn't true... i think... i don't know anymore. i think what bothers me the most about how he left me was that he wasn't happy.. i honestly felt like i could help him become happy... i thought telling him how much i liked him would let him see the good in him.... but that could be the point that drove him away.... but i don't know that... and he did broke up with me.. and has never fully, on his own {without having to return anything to me} contacted me. he could've been scared about it... like he apparantly was with me and telling the truth. that maybe i'll reject him... maybe he was doing it for my sake or his... doesn't want to hurt me again. doesn't want to put himself through it again. and maybe he just doesn't give a flying shit anymore... maybe he's already fully moved on to something else... someone else. i really don't know... and i won't ask. if i am going to call him on his birthday on sunday.. i won't ask him questions beyond surface detail... no closure part 7. just how are you? how's your family? what are you planning to do today? ... if i ever get to speak to him.... and if it doesn't end positive.. i'll tell him good-bye... my final good-bye.. not the "later" that signifies that we'll talk again.. but the farewell that could be permanent. and then i'll have to move on... i can't call him again... not if he wants to talk to me ... i really do need to move on.. regardless of whether or not he wants to speak to me. so either way... i'll be moving on after sunday... hopefully eileen 2:59 am - 01.24.09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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