flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- \"i can't picture a future with you\" you're such a girl richard i miss him. i miss him like crazy. i miss him enough to want to call him everyday until he picks up the phone. but luckily, i only did call him that one time and got his voicemail.. it's been over a day and he still hasn't returned my message. which should be expected. he did ended it with me... the whole hooking up thing. i know i know. i know it was bad. everyone and their mom has told me that. and i knew that too for awhile.. esp. since it was our second go around. and worse off, he's my ex. my first boyfriend. so of course i was still attached to him. but i wanted it. he wanted it. and we were too lazy to find someone else. that and i love the way he makes me feel. i love waking up in the same bed as him, with his arm still around my body. i love how warm his body is, his wide shoulders, his cute ass, his thick lips, his soft, long eye lashes, how hot he makes me feel. and maybe it was a total lust i had for him, or not... i did end up crying when he told me that he didn't want to hook up with me anymore because he couldn't see a "future" with me. like WTF. i thought he didn't want a relationship. period. and he goes and tells me that he'd want to hook up with someone he can picture having a relationship with. i don't blame him. that's the ideal right?... not really, it defeats the purpose of hooking up...but i think the same way... which is why i was so crushed when he told me he didn't think we'd have a future. as in marriage? as in a relationship? i'm not sure. i know it's a no on marriage. but in a relationship... deep down i was hoping we would... just because i'd be willing to have sex if we were in one... but i don't know... it's a nice thought to know that there's someone who wants me and wants to belong to me. but he doesn't. and i don't think he ever will... <<< i'm tearing at that. do i like him? i think so. maybe. i'm not sure... it has become more physical and lustful... but i think i do like him in a way... like how i liked how he'd try to comfort me when i'm crying but he didn't do that when he ended it. which made me want to cry even more. i don't like being abandoned and left alone in tears. especially with someone i felt open with. he asked me if i had any questions, and he left before i really started to ask any.. that's fucked up. and fuck his stupid appointment.. the least he could've done was talk to me... or return my phone call... if i had half a mind i'd call him up and yell.... not sure if it's wise to do that. especially since it's 5:34 AM. i might give him a week or so to return it.. or not. depends if i start drinking more and get more unhinged by this whole thing. i should let go... but i won't. i want to make him feel bad. which is horrible of me. but he didn't even wait for me to get off my period to tell me. i won't even bother to elaborate on that. and he was just so rough with me.... which turns me on so much more, but that's beside the point. i don't know. i just want him to hold me and kiss me and f&ck me. that's all. can't have that last bit for a number of reasons but oh well. but all i can get, if he's willing to give, is an explanation. i'm still confused and his not talking to me is really not helping me out. so maybe i'll call him... after the weekend though... maybe. i honestly don't know. i just wish he'd call me. eileen 5:24 am - 02.28.09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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