flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- man up and just call me you ass i wrote you that letter, richard, that first month anniversary bit to tell you how i felt. i don't regret writing it cuz that's how i truly felt for you... even if you thought it was too much because we weren't together that long... i was scared that you didn't see how much i liked you and that was the only way i knew how to explain it to you.. without attacking you into the bed. and i actually thought you'd appreciate it... but you didn't... you thought it was creepy right? excessive. even now... some five months after we broke up... and eight months after i wrote it... you thought it was weird that i wrote so soon and you didn't like it at all... could you give me a break? you were my first boyfriend. how could i not want to show you how much i care... and i told you that i partly did wrote the letter because you were my first... but that's not the total reason. that will never be the total reason. i did like you. honestly i did. enough to write that letter without holding back. i really wanted you to like it and me... so i thought you'd enjoy it.. but you didn't... was that what started to push you away from me? a stupid letter? and so what if it could've been more than a page... did it really scare you how much i put into it? maybe it wasn't a letter i wanted in return.. but some indication that you really liked me... but you didn't... you never did did you? maybe that's all i wanted.. some material proof that you did like me for me... it didn't have to be a letter richard... not at all... maybe something you made for me... some token of appreciation and care... but maybe i should've realized that you felt only lust because of your first month anniversary gift to me.. a mini vibrator.... was it all really just lust? did you just look at me as just a friend? do you really regret everything we've done after you said yes when i asked you if we were in a relationship? ... you say you do... you said that you wish you haven't... even though i still liked you at the time you told me you had remorse.... i can't believe you even hugged me after you said yes. did you did anything out of pure like for me? or was it just horniness? i don't want to believe that.. i don't want to hear that... all i want is for you to stop saying you regretted... it's not fair that you get to feel that way and i don't.... i don't really regret it at all .... i mean yes i was hurt... and i wish we didn't rush in so quickly into this... but i was happy.. even though i cried too often.. i really was glad to be yours. but you don't want to be mine at all.... i just wish you'd call me. i might call you today... i don't know... it'd be if i could wait a week or so... but i hate not telling you how i feel.. i'm so angry with you.. i want you to hear me be sad.. i want you torn up inside. i want you to feel miserable. i want you. period. ... maybe i do still like you... or just feel really hurt and rejected... maybe it is all pride... or not... i don't know.. probably a mixture of the two... but i can't help but feel hurt that you just don't even want to be with me.. not even in a physical way... because you think i'm no good for you... when all i ever do is try to be good to you. can't you see that? i don't do these things on purpose.. how am i supposed to change if you don't let me know before it's too late? if i knew you didn't like them i could at least explain why i did them and try not to do them again... but you won't even let me have a chance... i try my best not to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing.. but i always feel that i'm wrong anyway... like my feelings were wrong. that letter was wrong. being with you was wrong. it's all wrong to you isn't it richard? i'm all wrong for you... right? that's not fair at all.. you never gave me a chance.. or us a chance... you just write me off as a mistake... i didn't think you'd end it so abruptly... and i did wanted to hang out with you... i didn't think you'd close if off that same night... all i could do that night at the mall was think about hooking up with you... i didn't think i was on some sort of trial.. wasn't i? weren't you seeing if it was okay for us to be together? was it some sort of test? i'm so confused. i don't understand how you think. i don't know why you decided then and there that this was totally wrong... why you thought that letter was all wrong.. why you had to leave so immediately without offering anything in return. wasn't hooking up all you wanted? wasn't it? and now you change your mind without even talking to me about it. i know it's your life and your body... but the least you could've done was talk to me. please? just talk to me. pick up the fucking phone and talk to me. i feel like such a psycho typing all of this out but this is never going to your email richard. so don't worry about that... i do want to talk to you about all of this. i just wish you listen, eileen 4:37 am - 03.01.09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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