flippantbebe's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- let's just talk quietly i have a paper due in a couple of hours but i don't really care. well.. i do care... but i want to express my head first... my inner head. there's a guy in my life right now, his name is ryan. he's not my usual type, which is lean, pale, and wears glasses. the only thing that fits that for him is the eyeware. he's on the round side, and i know i sound like a shallow bitch but i wasn't attracted to him when i saw his pictures initially. i think he only added me because he performed, as a rapper, in FIND, and i was a volunteer there. but whatever. anyway, a month ago or so, he randomly facebook poked me.. i poked back, as a courtesy of course, and he IMed me like the next day or two later... he asked me why i poked him and i explained to him why. cuz he poked me. and we talked for a bit, but not much. then like a few weeks later he talked to me again, on facebook IM. we hitted off pretty well, and he wanted to talk to me about a problem on the phone. i figured why not.. i think this was around the time that me and richard were talking again, or not. i forget. whatever. anyway, we connected well over the phone too, talking for like an hour or two into the night. it was nice. i really enjoyed talking to him... i don't think he really talked to me about a problem... though i don't now. maybe he did. my mind sucks right now haha. anyway, like a week or less later, he FB im me again. and we talked on the phone again, talking for like an hour or so. and then he asked me if i wanted to do a cuddle date... mind you this was like less than a week after richard quitted that fwb deal with me {still so damn bitter about it. frick} so yeah i said yes. i only wanted to be held... nothing else. honestly. and he mentioned how for lent, like the forty days and nights movie, he and his buddies would make a bet not to do anything sexual. and i thought, alright. he won't do anything with me. he even said, "no kissing!" in the text he sent me the day of our cuddle date. and at first, it was fine. we hitted off well again, and when he did held me. i really enjoyed it.. it was great.. i loved talking to him and being held. it was soo nice and comfortable.. i felt secure... but i'll be honest, i wished it was richard holding me like he did. we never really cuddled like that until after we fooled around... when he was already tired... and i did lie in his arms one time but that was the night we broke up... i honestly wish we took the time to just hold each other..but he just wanted ass.. i digress, sorry. anyway, i even told ryan that. that i wish it was my ex in the bed and not him... and he was like, "okay. thank you for your honesty." he didn't seem too hurt.. i mean, we barely knew each other so should he be? would i be? idon'tknow. but then... after an hour or so.. he got so aggressive with me... he went over the sexual line with me.. did so much more than i wanted to... but i have to admit... i did enjoy it... i just felt so.. wrong.. doing it so quickly.. it was my first time meeting him... and he's ...26.. so maybe he did expect more... but i felt so deceived since he pushed that on me... esp. when he told me that he wouldn't do anything. and when i told him what little experience i have ... he felt bad.. or at least he said he did.. he said he felt like he was corrupting me or something...i hate that.. when people say they feel like i'm getting corrupted... am i really so innocent? honestly? he said he got mixed messages from me because i said my lent promise was "no hooking up" and he assumed that i did a lot of hooking up. and he did say, he wanted to get to know me more and hang out with me, and he wanted it to be more than hooking up... maybe dating. but i kept on saying, "i don't know" to whether i wanted to see him again or not... i even told him i'd text him if i really wanted to not see him again. the only reason i thought that was because he rushed it so much. when i didn't want to be rushed. but after thinking about it, i decided to give it another shot... somewhere public though. and what's better was that he suggested a day later that we should do see each other in a public setting... but today... well, tech. yesterday.. he asked for another cuddle date like today.. and he even talked with me sexually on aim... which made me wary of him.. which i should be, honestly. but maybe he's just being horny. i don't know. i have no idea how much of it is a lie. and what isn't. maybe he is being genuine and honest. or he's a lying scumbag. i don't know. he's lucky that we got along so great on the phone and in person. i honestly hope that i don't get weak and just give in.. i think i'd hate myself for that. and even though i liked kissing him. i just can't let myself to do that again. hooking up too quickly just fucks things up. if this connection means anything to me, i'd keep my mouth away from him. only talking. hopefully, 5:18 am - 03.05.09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||